Are We Supporting Them, or Holding Them Back? A Nuanced Look at Social Emotional Support

By Rebecca Hibshman and the Student Services Team

One of the most rewarding things about working on the Student Services Team is that we get to support children when they are going through some of the hardest feelings children can experience while in school. Nothing warms the heart more than being a safe person for a child to sit with and talk to until they feel secure and confident enough to rejoin their class and go on being a happy kid, learning and socializing the way every kid wants to do.  

But what happens when kids feel so comfortable in their safe spaces that they struggle to rejoin their peers in learning and play? Is it possible that safe, supportive adults can be too safe? Too comfortable? Is it possible to validate feelings too much? At times, our best intentions as support staff, teachers, and parents can backfire and serve to keep our kids immobilized in fear and avoidance, rather than making them stronger and more capable.  When this happens, we need to shift. We read, we consult with other experts, and we try a new approach. That experience led our Student Services Team to explore the concept of emotional agility.

In her book, Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive in Work and Life, psychologist Susan David defines emotional agility as the skill of accepting challenging thoughts and emotions so that we can respond to them with flexibility, rather than getting stuck in rigid patterns. It involves showing up to face uncomfortable emotions and thoughts head on so that we can learn what they are there to teach us. We can then evaluate what feels helpful and what is holding us back, how our emotions and patterns do and do not align with our values and goals, and we can use what we learn to make small changes “that can lead to growth and thriving in the face of adversity.”

Though I am proud of the work that I have done over the years as a teacher and parent in validating children's experiences and helping them to feel seen, cared about, and safe, I also recognize a pattern where many of our children are becoming stuck in an almost debilitating fear of their own uncomfortable emotions.  When we start to notice that validating conversations about big feelings like fear, anger, sadness, embarrassment, or jealousy are becoming repeated thought patterns that prevent students from wanting to leave the emotional safety of their homes, the LRC, or the counseling office, we have the important and complex job of teaching and supporting the skill of emotional agility. 

In her book, Good Inside, psychologist Becky Kennedy teaches her theory of multiplicity, explaining that more than one truth can exist in any given situation, even if the multiple truths seem contradictory. 

Though it can feel challenging and uncomfortable, we can accept that another person's perspective is their truth and is valid for them, while we can hold a very different, equally true and valid perspective. Similarly, even within one person's experience, more than one thing can be true. For example, a child may be right that a classmate is acting in a way that is unfair and unkind, while also holding onto the truth that they are strong enough to handle being in difficult situations, while also maintaining their own kindness and integrity. A student may experience valid feelings of being "bad" at math, while also being pushed to embrace the equally valid understanding that they are a capable mathematician who needs to struggle in order to grow.  We can validate that a student feels embarrassed when struggling through challenging content in a class, while still pushing them to show up each day and to feel those hard feelings, because being present, trying, making mistakes, and learning from them is the only way they will grow through their challenges.  

It is tempting to want to protect our children from uncomfortable and painful feelings, but it is critical that children learn to face discomfort so that they can learn the skills they need in order to move through it. Avoiding situations that cause us to feel uncomfortable or anxious is a form of negative reinforcement. Avoiding something unpleasant is self-reinforcing, because the reward is inherent in the avoidant behavior itself.  When you avoid an uncomfortable situation, in the short-term, the reward is that you do not need to feel uncomfortable. This reward then increases the chances that you will avoid uncomfortable situations in the future.  Through this avoidance, a person is unable to learn that the situation they were afraid of wasn't as bad as they expected, or that they have the skills to navigate through the discomfort. This repeated reinforcement of avoiding discomfort can contribute to Generalized Anxiety.

At Denver Jewish Day School, we want to teach our students that every feeling is valid, but not every action is safe, kind, or in their best long-term interest.  Experiencing big, uncomfortable feelings is a normal part of childhood that we strive to support and normalize. We also want to teach our students that experiencing feelings of sadness, stress, frustration, self-doubt, hurt, and all other big feelings are not going to cause them long-term harm. On the other hand, rigidly avoiding situations that might lead to experiencing those uncomfortable feelings can prevent them from learning skills that will help them navigate all of those complex feelings and situations that are a normal part of growing up. 

One of our biggest challenges as people who care so much about helping and protecting children is to consider when they need us to step in and protect them from legitimate long-term harm, and when we may serve them best by cheering them on from the sidelines as they face their uncomfortable feelings with strength and resilience. 

It can be hard to know how to best support our children when they’re facing tough emotions. When our kids are struggling, it can help to slow down, take a deep breath (or 10) and remind ourselves that rescuing them doesn’t help them build this resiliency muscle or build trust in themselves that they can solve problems or do hard things.

Though we may not be able to protect them from every challenge, we can sit with them in the hard moments and gently guide them toward growth.  Here are ten thoughtful questions and comments you can use to help your child process their emotions, build resilience, and move toward problem-solving, rather than getting stuck in an unhelpful victim mindset.

If you ever need support navigating these tricky situations, feel free to reach out to someone on the LRC or counseling team and we can support you as you help your child build resilience and agility.